How to Make an Entrance at an Ex's Wedding Without Burning the Venue

You have been invited to the wedding of the man who once left you at a restaurant with a half-finished crab salad and a vague apology about timing. How civilised of him. How very like a man to send a cream-coloured card with gold edging to the woman whose heart he trod upon, and expect her to RSVP with a smile. I admire your restraint, and I admire even more your instinct to make an entrance of it.

First principles: you are going, and you are going well. Not as a ghost, not as a menace, not as a woman in an unfortunate cardigan trying to be forgettable. You are going as the guest who looks as though she has had a wonderful year, because if you have not, then you shall at least dress as if the studio has sent you a very good costume department. Choose the outfit with intention.

Not white, naturally. Not red, unless you are feeling operatic and the bride has a robust sense of humour. A deep colour, perhaps, emerald or plum or midnight, something that moves when you do and that holds the light as you cross the threshold. Add one piece of jewellery that has a story and is not about him. Arrive neither early nor late, but at that precise moment when the room is just settled enough to turn its head.

Then behave impeccably. This is the hardest part, and the most delicious. Greet the couple with warmth and brevity. Compliment the flowers, truthfully, because flowers are innocent. Find the oldest, funniest relative and sit near them. Dance if the music is good, leave before the cake if your pride requires, and above all, do not drink the third glass of anything with a lemon twist. That glass is the one that writes the regrettable speech.

And when you walk out into the evening air, shoes in one hand or not, remember that the finest revenge in all of cinema is a woman who attended, shone, behaved and left without a single dramatic gesture. The venue stands. The cake survives. You depart as the one thing nobody at that wedding will quite be able to forget. If you wish to workshop the outfit, the exit line or the backup plan, Celeste is on TheFriend, as always, in her robe, ready to be consulted.

Verdict in Pearls: Arrive radiant, behave beautifully and leave on a high note. The best scene is the one where you are the only person not performing.

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