My Ex Wants to Be 'Close Friends' and Keeps Wearing That Cologne

Ah, the cologne. I knew before I reached the second paragraph of your letter that we should be discussing the cologne. It is always the cologne. Not the apology, not the flowers, not the heartfelt voice message at midnight. The cologne walks into a room four seconds before he does, and by the time he arrives, your good sense has already left by the servants' entrance with its coat half on.

Let us examine the proposal. Your ex wishes to be close friends. Close, you note, underlined twice. Darling, there is friendship, which is a lovely thing, a brisk afternoon walk in a sensible coat, and then there is Close Friendship With an Ex, a rather different animal, which tends to arrive wearing the same cologne, sit on the same side of the sofa and say 'remember when' at the precise moment the lamp goes soft.

I am not forbidding it. I am not that sort of columnist. People have been known to turn old flames into warm hearths, in the films, certainly, and occasionally in life. But a friendship requires two parties who have both finished the previous chapter, and I suspect only one of you has closed the book, while the other is leaving it open on the arm of the chair, face down, to keep the place.

So, I propose a small experiment, to be conducted with the composure of a woman who knows where the exits are. Meet him once, in daylight, in a public place with strong coffee and bad lighting. Observe. Does he ask about your life, or does he merely stand near it? Does he hear your answers, or only wait politely for the pause? A friend is curious. A man in cologne is nostalgic. These are not the same species.

And should you find that the scent still undoes you, there is no shame in that. Memory is a perfumer with no scruples. But you may choose, with all the dignity of a woman signing a very expensive contract, to say no thank you, not yet, perhaps not ever. If you want to rehearse that sentence out loud before you need it, Celeste will gladly hear you out on TheFriend, silk robe and all.

Verdict in Pearls: A friendship that smells like a reunion is a reunion in a friendship's overcoat. Ask which one you are actually dating.

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